Unlucky Charms

It sure has been awhile since my last post. It hasn't been due to the fact that nothing has been going on. In fact, it's the polar opposite. I have been busy. I've been to a few shows, went on the mother of road trips, and even started an internet radio show. Which means that I have had plenty to write about. I watched the latest Full Moon movie this afternoon, which was produced, and directed, by Charles Band. Afterward I felt the urge to blog about it. So, here I am.


My last blog was way back in February. Don't worry, I am not going to go into this big long-winded rant about all of the stuff that has happened since then. But, some of the bigger events of the past several months have had one thing in common. Now, you're asking yourself what could that possibly be. I'll tell you. It's whiskey.


Back at the end of April I found myself in Chicago with a group of some great friends. We were there to attend the first Moonrunners Music Festival. I won't spend too much time talking about the actual festival. The one thing that I will say about the festival itself is that I was prepared to be very disappointed with it. Turned out to be the opposite. It was one of the greatest musical experiences I have ever experienced. During the festival itself I really didn't have anything to do with whiskey. Other than doing a shot of whiskey with Justin Wells, from Fifth on the Floor. The whiskey part came in later. After the festival was over I walked back to the hotel that we were staying at. My friends Blake, Mollz, Jen, Mel, and I were all sharing a room. Jacob, also my friend, was hanging out in our room when I got back. The one missing actually was Mel. But, the bottle of cinnamon whiskey that Mel had brought with her was in the room. Jacob and I proceeded to drink all of the whiskey that was left in the bottle. From what I have heard, we had the greatest conversation anybody has ever had while we were drinking. Sadly neither one of us remembers it.

Now let's jump forward to the end of May. At the end of May a big group of people congregated in central Illinois for the taping of episode 100 of IBWIP. Again the same group of friends that I was with in Chicago were back together. Just like in Chicago we had a bottle of cinnamon whiskey. This time Jacob was the supplier of the whiskey. Also, just like in Chicago, we managed to drink the entire bottle. But, unlike Chicago, Jacob and I didn't have a great conversation. In fact the whiskey almost lead to blows. See, the location that we were at for the taping of IBWIP is located right next to a cemetery. In said cemetery there are a couple of caches. For those of you who don't know what a cache is, please go to www.geocaching.com. I found one of the caches earlier in the day. But, after it got dark I wanted to go find the other one. Turns out cinnamon whiskey turns Jacob into a big pussy, who is afraid to go into cemeteries after dark. Needless to say, we didn't find the other cache.

The final whiskey story comes from my recent vacation. As many of you know, my lovely wife and I just got back from the granddaddy of road trips. We went on a 4883 mile journey through 12 states in 12 days. One of the stops was in Deadwood South Dakota. When I was a kid I went there once with my family, but after the HBO show, I always wanted to go back. We got into town around lunch time. In the afternoons there is a reenactment of the Wild Bill shooting in the new Saloon #10. So, we made our way over to the bar. One of the things that I wanted to do in Deadwood was do a shot of whiskey for Wild Bill, Calamity Jane, and Seth Bullock. My wife said that she would do a shot too. There is one thing that you need to understand going into this story. My wife is not a drinker at all. She occasionally has one drink. If she does happen to do a shot it's something pretty girly. So, I asked her if was going to do a shot of whiskey too. At first she was going to do something else. I pushed her to agree to whiskey. After some encouragement from me she finally agreed. Once we were at the bar in Saloon #10 I ordered up a couple of shots of Jim Beam. Apparently in Deadwood they don't have normal shot glasses, because the bartender proceeded to place on the bar two glasses that were roughly the size of high ball glasses. Then he filled them up with Beam. What happened next I am sure that my wife would trade her first born to have never experienced. She thought she was just going to sip it. But, I told her that it was a shot, and she needed to drink it all at once. She slugged her shot back, and I swear I thought she was going to die. She did make a full recovery, but I did spend the rest of the day promising that I did like whiskey. I am pretty sure that if she ever even smells whiskey in the future it will cause some sort of reaction.

Now, onto the reason we are all here.

Unlucky Charms was actually released just today. Full Moon has a deal with Red Box, so right after work I rushed out and picked it up. The movie itself was exactly what I was expecting. The plot was a mockery of those modeling reality TV shows, only with monsters. It basically was some leprechaun type monsters chasing around women in their underwear. But, the truly exciting thing about Unlucky Charms was that Full Moon has brought back Video Zone. Now, for those of you that aren't familiar with Video Zone, it was a featurette that was after the credits of the Full Moon movies on VHS. They usually were a making of type of video. Now a days most DVDs are full of extra features. However, I think Full Moon was the first to include them on all of their movies. There was also mention of a couple other really cool things that Full Moon has up their sleeves. But, I'll let you go out and rent the movie for yourself to find out about them.

Grindhouseflix

I know it’s been awhile since my last post. It has been a bit busy. That, and I was struggling with a worth topic to write about. Well it turns out that I have a few things to cover. Plus, they are actually recent events too, and not stories from the past.

First topic of discussion is that I signed up for Grindhouseflix.com. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it’s a streaming service that Charles Band, and Full Moon, put together. It’s only $5 a month to watch streaming grind house films. It’s really wasn't a bad deal since your received a $25 gift card to the Full Moon shop when you bought a one month subscription. Plus, Full Moon has a half price Valentines sale every year. I ended up getting a couple t-shirts, and a copy of Meridian, for my $5. Turned out to be not such a bad deal for me in the end, although I still haven’t decided if I am going to cancel it or not.

Second topic of discussion is that February turned out to be a decent month for shows for me. I bought my ticket for the Moonrunners festival in Chicago in April. I am guessing there will be a post about that. Plus, I made it to two shows.

The first show was Those Poor Bastards. For those of you that don’t already know, Those Poor Bastards are my favorite band. With my love of everything horror, the music fits perfectly. As a bonus they reside in Madison, which is about 45 minutes away, so I get to see them play a lot. I have been going to Those Poor Bastards shows for several years now, and probably the best part is that Wyatt, and Vincent, are very friendly. I couldn't tell you the countless hours I have spent talking with them at the shows.

The second show I made it to was a Joseph Huber show in Milwaukee. That show was extra special for several reasons. Joseph Huber is quickly becoming a favorite artist of mine. His song writing is great. He has a great voice. If you ever get a chance to go see his solo show, GO! It is truly amazing. Plus, my very good friends Blake, and Mollz, made the trek north to go too. Probably the best part of the night was that my lovely wife went as well. She has gone to shows with me in the past. But, this was the first time she went to a roots show. It turns out that she had a pretty good time. Amy and Mollz discovered RumChata at the show. Then Amy taught Mollz the proper way to do shot.

With the highs of the past month there have been some lows as well.

The first is that my favorite beer is getting price gouged at bars. The one bar in Madison used to sell PBR tallboys for $2. That was a great price. Now they sell regular cans for $2.50, and tallboys are $4. $2.50 for a beer in Madison is still a good price. I didn't bitch, but I did ask why the price hike. I was a bit surprised when I was given a truthful answer. I was told that it’s one of their most popular beers, so they decided to raise the price. They said it didn't slow the sales at all. Then in Milwaukee it was $4 for a bottle of PBR. That’s the same price they were charging for a bottle of Lite. Now, you can go to the store and buy a 30 pack of PBR for $15. That’s a big profit.

The second low of the month would be that my kids have turned out to be a couple of schemers. I ‘used’ to have a Kindle Fire. I had it for a little over a year. That thing was great. My oldest daughter had a regular Kindle, a phone, and an iPod. The iPod was actually an iPod that I found on the ground a couple of years ago. Shortly after I found it I gave it to her. The new Kindle Fire came out not too long ago. My oldest wanted a Kindle Fire. She was originally going to save up for it. But, ended up blowing the money she had saved. I saw this as a chance for me to get one. I offered her my Kindle Fire in exchange for the iPod, and her Kindle. My plan was to sell them both, and throw in the little extra money I needed to get a new one. My youngest sunk her teeth in as soon as I got my hands on the iPod. She played the ‘but, you gave it to her’ card. Out of guilt I felt obligated to give it to her. So, I ended up with just a Kindle that doesn't do anything but display text. It’s not all that bad though. They both have smiles on their faces.

Ghost Warrior

My wife read my last two posts and was a little put off that they both seemed to be about other women. Now it was never my intention to make either post seem like they were about other women. In my defense I couldn't tell you what either woman even looked like. Both experiences were a long time ago. After this was brought to my attention I asked her if she would feel better if I blogged about her instead. She wasn't up for that at all. Since I didn't get her blessing to write about her I thought I would write about something that the both of us were involved in.

We got married in 1999. We decided on Ireland as our honeymoon destination. We flew into Dublin. We were young, and didn't really know what we were doing, so naturally we didn't have any reservations anywhere. It really wasn't that big of a deal. The first night we were there we stayed downtown Dublin in some tiny hotel. Dublin was OK, but we wanted to visit the ocean, and rural Ireland. We hopped on a bus the next day, and headed to County Wicklow. We got off of the bus with our luggage and walked to the first bed and breakfast we saw.

I know this was fourteen years ago, but I can’t imagine things have changed too much. There were a couple things that we take for granted here in the States. The first is beef. 1999 was shortly after the whole ‘mad cow’ ordeal, so unless it said beef on the menu, it was lamb. It didn't make a difference if it said hamburger, or steak. The second thing that was the way they waited on you in the pubs, and restaurants. In the restaurants they would seat you. When you were ready to order you had to wave them down. After you had your food you were never talked to again until you waved them down again. The same held true for the pubs. You could be belly up to the bar with money in your hand. They wouldn't come and take your order till you got their attention. I know a lot of you are thinking it was because we were foreigners. They did it to everyone.

Every time we were in a pub we would get involved in conversations with some of the locals. Remember this was in 1999, and Bill Clinton was president. Everyone that we talked to loved America. One of the questions that we got asked over, and over, was ‘why would you leave the States?’ Mostly we would get into these political conversations with older folks. It was the third night that we were there we met a brother and sister from Scotland that were visiting their cousins. We hung out with these two all night. We made plans to meet back up the next night when their cousins finally got into town.

The next night came around, and we went to the pub and met up with our new found friends. It turned out that their cousins were in the Ireland army, and were home with a group of their friends. Now I am from Wisconsin. One of the things that we pride ourselves on here is that we can drink. It turns out that it doesn't matter that you are from Wisconsin, when you are in Ireland you are a lightweight. These army boys kept buying rounds, and for a while we tried to keep up. After a couple of hours my wife, and I, had a couple of rounds piled up on the table waiting for us. You also have to remember that this was Ireland. These guys are drinking Guinness. I know that Guinness isn't that strong, but it is thick. Each pint is like a meal.

After several hours of drinking with some of Ireland’s finest, and our friends from Scotland, we needed to head back to the bed and breakfast. Mainly due to the fact that neither one of us could barely stand. We somehow made it back to our room. Honestly neither one of us even remember leaving the bar, let alone getting back to the room. What we do remember is what took place a couple of hours after we made it to bed.

Turns out when you drink four gallons of Guinness you are likely going to ralph some of it back up. After a couple hours, of what I can only imagine was blissful, sleep I woke up with a churning in my belly. I climbed out of bed to expel my innards. My beautiful bride had beaten me to the commode. For a couple of hours we took turns barfing. Nothing says true love like sharing a puke filled toilet.

More heaving stories to follow I am sure, but let’s get onto the movie.

Ghost Warrior is going to be one of the rare instances of this blog that I cover a movie that does not fall into the horror genre at all. However, it was the second film to be produced by Empire International, so I felt it was necessary. The movie follows an ancient samurai warrior that is frozen for over 400 years, and then is brought back to life after being defrosted. He then must face the modern world, well as modern as it was in the early ‘80s. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure that Ghost Warrior has never been released on DVD. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. Watching this fine film on VHS is really how it should be experienced. In it’s pure, gritty, and raw form. High definition would just wreck it.

From Beyond

I actually went on a little Charles Band bender a while ago. One of the movies I watched was From Beyond. I was sitting here enjoying a Pabst trying to think of a topic to cover to go with that movie. Then it hit me. I should tell one of my favorite stories. This is one of the stories that I typically tell my married friends after they had a couple of kids. They are usually terrified of getting a vasectomy, but my story tends to ease their minds somewhat.

My wife and I have two beautiful daughters. Our second was born shortly after my 26^th birthday. The plan was after our second was born I was going to get ‘fixed’. At the time I was working as an electrician. One of the guys I worked with at the time would always tell this story of his botched vasectomy. It turned out that he was a freak of nature. He would tell us about after his second kid he went in for the procedure. About five years later his wife ended up pregnant. At first it caused quite the ruckus at their house. Before they ended up in divorce he went in for a sperm count test. Turned out he wasn't shooting blanks. A normal male has one tube on each side. This guy had one tube on one side, and two on the other. When they did the original snip they only did one on each side. After you have the procedure you are supposed to go in and have a sperm count test done. This guy never did because he was too ‘busy’.

As I mentioned, after my second was born I went in to get ‘cut’. At the time we were living close to Madison, Wisconsin. Naturally I went to the UW hospital to have the procedure done. I went through the whole interview process. They do this to be sure that you are actually ready to become sterile, and not just doing it for birth control. After I passed the tests I was given the OK to go under the knife.

I wasn't nervous at first. My dad had gone through the same thing, and told me there was nothing to worry about. Well the UW hospital is a learning hospital. Now this normally wouldn't have bugged me. But, it turned out that the doctor that was supposed to be performing my procedure had a new intern, and this was going to be her first real procedure. The one piece of advice that everyone kept giving me was to be sure that I didn't get a boner while I was getting a part of my manhood removed, and since my doctor was supposed to be an old man that was not going to be a problem. All of sudden my doctor turned from a sixty year old grandpa to a college co-ed. It so happened that she didn't apply the local anesthesia properly the first time. Trust me, a knife in the ball sack fucking hurts. Once I was properly numbed up I didn't have to worry about boners. That whole area was numb.

The vasectomy itself is a simple process. They make a small incision on each side. Then they cauterize the vasa differentia. If I remember right that took about ten minutes to do. After it was over the doctor and nurse left the room. That left only me and the intern. I was lying on the table while she stood beside me. We stayed like that for probably fifteen minutes. We talked about my wife and kids, her schooling, and how she liked becoming a doctor. Finally she started going over the recovery speech. She told me to be sure to take it easy for a couple of days. She said that is there is any swelling that I should apply ice, and that frozen vegetables worked the best. She told me that if I did overexert myself they might swell up like a couple of softballs. Then she proceeded to tell me that the incisions were small enough that they didn't require stitches, but they might seep a little blood. She told me not to be alarmed if that were to happen. She said, and I quote, ‘If they start to bleed, just do what I am doing right now’.  As anyone would say my natural reaction was ‘and what are you doing?’ I looked toward my crotch and this young intern was cradling my scrotum, and her reply was ‘just be sure to keep pressure on them.’ To which I responded with ‘Have you been doing that this whole time?’ Of course she said ‘Yep!’

That’s enough sharing about my balls. Let’s move onto the good stuff.

From Beyond stars Jeffrey Combs, and Barbara Crampton, both have starred in other Charles Band movies. The film was shot in Italy, which was a cost saving method that was used for several of Charles Band movies. It was shot on a sound stage called Dinocitta just outside of Rome. Dinocitta was originally constructed by Dino DeLaurentiis, but was seized by the government for nonpayment of taxes, and then sold to Empire Studios. From Beyond was one of the first films shot at that venue during its period of ownership by Empire. The story for From Beyond is based on a H. P. Lovecraft short story of the same name. This is not the only H. P. Lovecraft story that Charles Band has brought to life. There is also the Re-Animator movies, which I will get to eventually, and The Evil Clergyman.

Killjoy

I was trying to think of a worthy topic to blog about as I was enjoying a PBR, and watching Killjoy. Since Killjoy consists of an almost entire African-American cast it reminded me of my grandpa. How does a Charles Band movie remind me of my grandpa you ask? This past summer I was informed that he was a bit of a racist, which that is still a topic that I am not completely buying. Now, before everyone gets all up in arms, this post isn't going to be racist at all, I wanted to do a post about my grandpa and I needed a segue. I’ll get to the part about Killjoy in a bit, but first I wanted to tell you a story about my grandpa.

During my childhood my family was broken out into four different sections. There was my Mom’s family, and my Dad’s family. Then there was my Grandma’s family on my Mom’s side, and my Grandpa’s family on my Mom’s side. Of those four sections there was one that mattered to me the most, and that was my Mom’s family. When I was young we all lived around either other. Hell, at one point, or another, I have lived in the same house as most of my Mom’s family. I won’t get into all of that right now. If I started on that this one post would be about 1,000 pages long. This post I’ll focus on one man, and to keep this post to a reasonable length, I will try to focus on one event.

I know that I said in my first post that I wasn't going to post about family. It turns out this is my blog, and I can do what I want, so every once in a while I am going to post about family. Don’t worry though I will leave out all of the drama.

My Grandpa Horn was a great man. One of the best I have ever known. When I was growing up, and after I was a grown man with kids, we spent a lot of time together. Even after he died, my family and I would go and spend a couple of weeks every summer with my grandma. That’s not including the countless weekends every year we would get together. Due to our closeness I was able to have some very unique experiences with my grandpa. I am not saying that nobody else has ever had the chance to experience similar things with their grandpa. But, I know that within my family, some of things we did together nobody else got to take part in them.

There was the fake fight in the car in the Kroger parking lot. Then the time we got into trouble for getting into the 50 year old booze while both of our wives were out shopping for lipstick. There were the daily lunches at the tavern when I was 13 and 14. Once I put a huge dent in his truck when I was 12, or 13, and never heard a word about it again. There were the countless political chats we used to have. There were the three conversations that we had, one when he got sick for the first time, another right before I got married, and the third when he got sick the second time. There was the time we watched porn while my aunt and grandma were sitting in the next room. There were a countless other things that happened, but I wanted to write about the one that I was able to share with my uncles and a cousin. Finally, there was Big Al’s.

After my Grandpa retired my Grandparents relocated about 4 hours south of where we lived. At that point I think I was about 11, or 12. Every summer I would spend as much time as possible with them. Now I am not exactly sure which summer it was, but I do remember that my Grandma was still working. Every day my Grandpa and I would watch Phil Donahue in the afternoon. One afternoon he had some of the strippers from ‘The World Famous’ Big Al’s on. You have to remember that this was about 25 years ago. At that time Caterpillar was thriving in Peoria, which is where Big Al’s is located. So, naturally Big Al’s did get a lot of business from Cat, and their business partners. I turned to my Grandpa and said that we had to go. He informed me that we wouldn't be able to go until I was 21. So, I made him promise that if we both made it until I was 21 that we would go. He made good on that promise.

As I went through my teens, and very early twenties, the Big Al’s topic was brought up frequently. Now this wasn't something that we were keeping under the table. Everyone knew about it. As my 21^st birthday was approaching we started to plan the whole thing out. Originally, it was supposed to be my dad, two uncles, one cousin, and grandpa. At the last minute my dad couldn't make it, so the other five of us went. The big adventure took place one week after my 21^st birthday.

Since I now a couple of the people that were involved in that excursion are going to be reading this, as well as some of their kids, I am not going to go into too much detail of the night. However, there was one story in particular from that night I wanted to share. This little slice on the evening doesn't actually even involve my Grandpa, other than he witnessed it take place.

The night started off with dinner at my Grandparent’s house. After dinner we headed downtown to Big Al’s. Over the course of the evening my cousin and I ended up belly up to the stage. While the dancers were dancing we were watching. While we were watching we were talking. During one of the dancer’s routines we became deeply engrossed in our conversation, and stopped paying attention to the stage. As it turns out strippers don’t like it when you are sitting at the stage, and not paying them any attention. This particular stripper had the DJ stop the music while she stood directly over me, and my cousin. There is nothing in the world like getting the stare down from a stripper in a crowded room. Just one piece of advice, if you are going to the strip club, either stay away from the stage, or be 100% focused.

Now that I got that little story out of the way let’s move on to movie. But don’t worry, I am sure there will be more down the road. I actually have a couple other posts started about different movies, but really felt this one was a fitting one to cover for this post.

Killjoy is a little bit out of the norm for the Charles Band line of films. It really is essentially a film that falls in the Blaxploitation genre. There have since been three sequels to Killjoy, and as the franchise progresses it does tend to lean more to comedy than horror. Don’t get me wrong though, Killjoy does have some pretty funny moments. Really the most important factors that you need to know about Killjoy are that it is a Blaxploitation film, the acting is horrendous, and the story is about a demonic clown.

Ghoulies/Subspecies

I was reading through some of my previous posts the other day. I know that the majority of the people that read my blog are personal acquaintances of mine, either friends or family, and likely don’t know who Charles Band is. The same can be said about their knowledge of his film companies. With that in mind, I decided maybe I should play the role of educator. In this post I will do a little blurb about each company. I will do an in depth post about Charles in the future.

Empire Pictures was the distribution company that Charles Band formed in 1983. Prior to the creation of Empire Pictures Charles band was having problems getting Charles Band International Productions movies distributed by other motion picture companies. Empire Pictures only lasted until 1988. They were forced out of business due to financial problems. Charles Band sold Empire to Epic Entertainment.

Full Moon started in 1989. Rather than pushing for theatrical releases, Full Moon has always specialized in the direct to video market. That decision has proved to be very successful for Full Moon. They are still striving 25 years later. Full Moon is known for several cult favorites such as Puppet Master, Subspecies, and Gingerdead Man to name a few.

Now that you are a little more familiar with the two film companies, let’s go over a couple of their movies.

First up is Ghoulies, which was a theatrical release by Empire International in 1985. The film became a huge success when it was released on video. The story line is the simple occult rituals gone wrong story. Ghoulies is probably best known for the promo pictures, and video box cover, with the creature sticking out of the toilet, and the tagline ‘They’ll get you in the end’. Following the success of the film, there were three sequels released. The latest, Ghoulies IV, was released in 2007.

Next up is Subspecies, which was released direct to video by Full Moon in 1991. Like Ghoulies, Subspecies spawned three sequels. Unlike Ghoulies, it also spawned a spin off, Vampire Journals. The Subspecies series was nothing more than the typical vampire story. One very cool fun fact about the movie is that it was shot on location in Romania.

The Alchemist

Aside from watching movies, I also enjoy reading. I am currently reading Crystal Lake Memories, which is a biography of the Friday the 13^th movies. One of the reoccurring topics of the book is how they had to repeatedly keep cutting footage from the films to just get an R rating. By today’s standards some of them would have barely received a PG-13 rating without cutting a single second.

I just got home from seeing Django Unchained in the theater. There has been some controversy about Django Unchained. Some say it is too violent. While others are saying it is flat out racist. Now, I won’t say that it was, or wasn't  either of those things. This blog isn't about Quentin Tarantino, or his movies. But, this is my blog, and after I got home after seeing the movie it got my thinking.

With all the blood, and guts, that are shown today could you imagine if the horror boom of the late 70’s, and early 80’s, were to happen today. Now I am not talking about all of the recent remakes, but just imagine if Leatherface, Michael, Jason and Freddy were just being born now. I understand that Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in the mid 70’s, but I still hold it in the same regard as the rest. Plus, I know that recently we had the Saw franchise. While that was a great franchise, it doesn't even come close to the originals.

I know what some of you are saying to yourselves right now. You are saying I am crazy for even suggesting another string of remakes. Well that is not what I am saying at all. First off, let me set the record straight on the remakes. I mentioned Leatherface, Michael, Jason and Freddy early. Instead of coming up with original ideas Hollywood has already remade all of them. Unlike a lot of people, I actually enjoyed the remakes. I like the originals more, but that doesn't mean I can’t enjoy the remakes too. What I am saying is that the originals never took place. What if Hooper, Carpenter, Cunningham and Craven were just starting to make them now? Holy shit, I just blew your mind.

Once I was able to keep my own head from exploding I thought I would sit down and enjoy a cold Pabst, and a Charles Band flick. I know that I said in a previous post that it was proving to be a little difficult to find some of his movies to watch. Well, it turns out that YouTube has just about every movie from the 80’s. After a few key strokes, and mouse clicks, I was enjoying The Alchemist. Hopefully that holds true with some of the rest that are hard to find elsewhere.

There really isn't a lot to say about this movie. Like other movies with Charles Band’s name attached to them, originally The Alchemist was planned for theatrical release, but wasn't released until several years later. Then it was released direct to video. While there are a couple good gore shots at the very end of the movie, there really isn't anything else worth noting throughout the rest of the movie. Overall, the story, effects and acting are all lacking.